I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
