sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
