i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
