Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
