Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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