I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
