Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize