I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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