its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
