The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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