insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
