I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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