Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
