I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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