Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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