I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
