I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
