I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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