This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
