I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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