If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
