Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
