I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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