Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
