I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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