When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i think i just lost a toe
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
