mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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