so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i love accidental penises.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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