forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
