Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
