my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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