Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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