Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
