Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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