my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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