your room smells of hookers.
And success
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
