I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
even my farts smell like vagina
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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