My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
