i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I am one with the molecules
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
