Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
