We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
