I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
