This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
