Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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