when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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