In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
