just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
