I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
