when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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