somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
