The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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