I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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