I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
