I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
