He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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