They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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