Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
