No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
