I want to have your abortion
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
