Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
