White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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